Heaven’s Internet

Babu was sleeping. In his dreams, God appeared.

‘Hello, Babu. You are a good man. I’d like to offer you a pass for heaven. You can use that whenever you are ready to come.’

‘…’ Babu was surprised.

‘Are you wondering how I chose you? The selection process goes like this. First…’

‘No… I’m thinking… Huh… about the amenities in heaven. I’ll get vastly bored if I don’t have internet, a phone, and a computer. And, You have got girls?’

‘No. This is decent heaven. But look. What I have provided you in this life and in the earth are just samples. Apples, Oranges, Grapes are far tastier there. I even feel like having some right now. Believe me, it is nothing like what we get on this earth.’

‘Speaking of grapes, Is alcohol available?’

‘Excuse me?’

‘Drinks God. Beer and stuff. And my buddies to drink with?’

‘Nothing goes bad in heaven. So no alcohol. Your friends may or may not get selected in the process. I work in very complicated ways that you do not understand. But I can assure you, you will be provided with ample heavenly company. The Angels! There is an infinite number of angels in heaven. They do not curse. They do not hurt anyone. They take good care of you. They will take you to a bath with an aroma you would never ever have imagined. After the bath, They will help you choose the colorful dresses of your choice. Heavenly type dresses only like these long skirts type.’ God showed his dress with pride. ‘You will never feel sad, angry, lust, or any negative emotions for that matter. You will stay happy forever with me.’ God spread his hands with a smile

‘Umm… So… No alcohol then?’

God gave a harsh look.‘Yes. No!’

‘Is non-veg food available? Chicken masala and stuff like that?’

‘This is veg heaven.’ God rolled his eyes.

‘What?’ Babu asked helplessly.

‘But the apples are much juicier and rich in…’

‘What cattle do you have up there?’

‘Umm… Cattles don’t make it to heaven.’

‘Hum… Okay. What about the angels? You said there is an infinite number of them? Can I hunt them?’

‘Wha… Why would you do that?’

‘For food and amusement.’

‘Oh my sweet me!’ God called up heaven. ‘Is this the right person I am talking to? He sounds like a total psychopath.’

‘Yes. The right candidate.’

‘Why would anyone pick such d**k into my heaven? Who selected this candidate?’

‘Your nephew. The reasons given are 1. An avid fan of Liverpool. 2. He is bobly-gobly. 3. Heaven needs fat people(Fatter than me)too. 4. I’m not that fat (and you know it, God!). 6. War on BMI inequality. The list goes on like this.’

‘Oh, I see what happened there.’ God hung up and stared at the wall for a few seconds. He turned to Babu again.

‘I can take you into heaven with few conditions. Condition number one…’

‘I’m not interested.’ Babu said sinking himself into his bedsheets.

‘What did you say?’ God was in agony.

‘It sounds so boring Man.’

‘Do not call me Man! I’m not a man. You are a man. You are a little piece of…’

‘See, That is not the point. At least get some internet connection right? I will watch funny videos for eternity. How can one spend time looking at white smoke and angels all the time? How are you even surviving? I mean seriously… look at you. Your beard and everything.’

God’s face turned red. His eyes became bright blue and radiated pinkish-orange. ‘You have ridiculed my beard! I will make you feel sorry for those words you uttered. You will come to me very soon. You will feel the heat!’ God told grinding his teeth.

‘Oh. I’m sorry.’ Babu panicked. ‘I thought you would take it lightly. Your beard looks… fine. It matches the aura around you. You sure look divine. The beard increases the maturity and all-knowing factor. It actually makes you look wise and…’

‘You want me to forgive you?’ the redness disappeared a bit.

‘Yes my lord.’ Babu said with obedience.

‘Would you take my offer though?’

‘Mm’

‘Ok. Alright. Then here are the conditions, you have to stay away from meat, alcohol, and all earthly pleasures effective immediately.’

‘But, I need some time God.’

‘Yea, Habits are hard to break. How long you think you would need?’

‘Umm… Few days? Maybe a bit more. I’d say… 40 years?’

God stood there in awe. ‘You are an impossible gig. Do you think you will last 40 more years on this earth after refusing my heaven? I can curse you. But, You are already a very fat and unhealthy pathetic-looking creature. You will perish soon by your own actions. I will be waiting for you in the rusted gates of hell!’ God warned with red eyes.

‘…’ Babu sat there with a sad face. There was a quick awkward silence.

‘Last chance. In or Out? I’m gonna disappear now.’

‘Just… Just hear this one, I can't live without meat, internet, coke, Marvel cinematic uni…’

‘Goodbye.’ God disappeared.

Babu woke up completely sweating and alarmed. He went into the bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror. He looked fat. ‘Oh my god. That guy will screw me up.’ He washed his face and came out.

He called a number. ‘Hello, Radical Gymnasium?’

‘Yes. Can you call me after 5?’

‘No no no. Wait. Quick call. Do you have regular yoga and Zumba classes like ev…veryday in the week?’

‘It is 3 in the morning. For god’s sake call me after 6.’

‘You do not understand... *the gym guy disconnects the call* God's sake is very much against me.’ Babu finished the sentence anyway.

He pulled up the socks. Started running on the road. He joined the gym that morning. He started attending yoga and Zumba classes too very regularly.

He became very obedient and fit. He increased his agility and metabolism. He started taking the steps instead of elevators. He even went to play football with his local neighbors. He never thought he would play football one day. The belly fat reduced. He was becoming active and successful.

God saw him running one day. He came to meet another candidate there.

‘Ah! This guy… Urghhh*grinds teeth*’ but he quickly realized Babu has become a lot healthy-looking. He suddenly felt good for Babu.

‘I have changed this man’s life for good.’ God felt very good about himself. ‘I work in mysterious ways. Hmmm.’ God went into deep thinking.